Customer service and complaints

Hello? Hello? Yes, I'm calling the broadband helpline. My internet is down. Sorry? "Press 1 for billing, press 2 for new customers, press 3 for technical help." Okay, I'm pressing 3.

"Please hold. Your call is important to us." It isn't important, it's music. The same song for twenty minutes. I waited for ages. Hello? A real human! Hi, Peter. Yes, my internet is down. Yes, I turned it off and on again. Twice.

"I'll put you through to another team." Another team? Peter, please, don't hang up. Hello? Peter? "Press 1 for billing." You are joking. I'm going to cry, and the song is back.

Mum, don't panic. It's probably a glitch. What does the error message say? "Connection lost"? Okay. And the video keeps freezing? Right.

Now unplug the router. The little white box, Mum, not the lamp. Not the lamp! Count to ten, then plug it back in. Wait for the green light. Is it green? Brilliant, you did it.

Why did you call me, and not the engineer? He didn't show up? Again? Mum, you pay for that service. Never mind, I'm your engineer now, and I'm cheaper. I only want a cup of tea and a slice of your cake.

Hello, I ordered a coffee table from you last week. The website says "solid oak," but this is not as described. The top is cracked, and there are scratches all down the legs. They're deep scratches. Is this a table or a chopping board?

Honestly, it's poor quality. My flatmate sat on it for two seconds, and it made a very sad noise.

And this morning, my cat jumped on it, and one leg fell off. The cat is fine. The table isn't. I'd like a refund, please. Yes, I have photos. Yes, I have the cat, too, but I don't think she wants to talk.

Hi, I bought these headphones in May. They stopped working after two months. I've got the receipt. They have a two-year guarantee, yes? Good.

I want to get my money back. A replacement? No, thank you. These are already the second pair. Can you look into it today? Ah, you need to ask the manager. No problem, I'll wait. Here, take the headphones.

She says yes? Brilliant. Could you put that in writing, please? An email is fine. Thank you. One last question. Do you sell any with a ten-year guarantee? No? Okay. Then maybe I'll just buy a cable.

I cancelled my streaming subscription in March. It's October, and they still take money from my account. I'm fed up. So I'm using the live chat. "Hi, I'm Sam! How can I help?" Hi, Sam.

I explain everything in three messages. Sam says, "Great question!" It isn't a question, Sam. Sam says, "Please restart your device." Sam, it's not the device, it's the money. I feel really let down. Sam, are you a person?

"I'm a virtual assistant." Of course. "Would you like to speak to an agent?" Yes, please! "Okay, please hold." Twenty minutes later, a man says, "Hello, I'm Sam." Another Sam! I laugh so much that I forget to be angry. Almost.

Good morning, you're through to the call centre. My name's Emre, how can I help? Sorry, slow down. You want to make a complaint. Of course, sir. I'm listening.

Okay, the sofa arrived yesterday, and it's orange. You wanted a grey one. I understand, you're furious. I'd be furious too. Let me check. Sir, I'm looking at your order on my screen, and it says, orange sofa. Yes, orange. You ticked the box on Sunday.

Sir? Hello? He's gone very quiet. Now he's saying sorry. No problem at all, sir! If you don't like it, we can take back the sofa on Tuesday, and I'll send you a grey one for free. Happy to help. I love this job.

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