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Excuse me, is this the information desk? Hello? Sorry, the staff here are very quiet. I'm Kemal, and I have a problem. My first flight was late, so I missed my connecting flight to Istanbul. Now I'm stranded in Frankfurt.

The airline says the next flight is tomorrow morning. Tomorrow! I have a wedding on Saturday, and I'm the best man. I have the rings in my pocket. I also have the speech in my head. Only the speech.

Can you put me on another airline? Or a train? No? Okay. A hotel is fine, I suppose. One more question. Is there a bar? Because this is the first time I'm saying "best man" and "stranded" in one sentence.

Hello, is this the travel insurance helpline? Good. My name is Alice Barnes, and I'm in Barcelona. This morning a pickpocket took my bag on the metro. Yes, he was very good. I felt nothing.

They didn't steal my phone, but they did steal my passport and my purse. I went to the police station, and then to the embassy. The embassy says I need a new photo and a police report. What should I do first?

Sorry, can you say that again? Slowly? Thank you. Oh, and he also took the postcard for my gran. I hope he reads it. It says, "Be good." But he didn't get my sandwich. It was in my coat, and I'm eating it now.

Hello. My suitcase didn't show up. Everybody else has a bag, and I'm standing here with my hands in my pockets. I'm really annoyed. I waited forty minutes.

Here's my luggage tag. Can you find out where it is? The man at the other desk says Dubai. Dubai! I don't even want to go there. I know it's not my fault, but I'm the one with no pyjamas.

Wait. Someone's calling me. It's the lady from the other desk. She says a man took my suitcase by mistake, because they look the same. His name is Mr Fisher. She gave me his case, the one on the belt. It must weigh twelve kilos. I opened it, and it's full of cheese.

Last Friday our plane landed in Naples at midnight. Dad said, "No taxi. We'll take the bus." There was no bus. At least it was warm. We waited for an hour, and Mum started to cry a little. Dad said it was the wind.

In the end, a man with a very small car drove us all to the hotel. Six people, four suitcases and one guitar. Somehow we always end up in a small car with a stranger.

We got to the hotel just in time for the last pizza. I was so relieved. Dad paid the driver and said, "You see? The bus plan was great." Nobody answered. We were eating.

Listen, my holiday is a disaster. Everything that could go wrong did go wrong. First, the coach to the airport was forty minutes late. Then we had to queue up for two hours to check in, because the computers were down. Two hours! The man in front of me ate three bananas.

Usually I put up with this kind of thing. I smile, say nothing, and complain to the cat at home. But today I was tired and hungry, so I went to the desk and said, "Excuse me, this isn't good enough."

The lady was lovely. She gave me a free coffee and a voucher for a sandwich. Mum says I was very brave. I say I was just hungry.

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