Diets, tastes and allergies

Hi Beth, thanks for the invite! A quick warning before Saturday. I can't eat gluten, so I'm gluten-free, and my sister Rosa is lactose intolerant. Yes, we're a lot of work.

Also, my brother Tuncay is coming. Please, no nuts. Not in the salad, not in the pesto, not anywhere. Last time he had one tiny almond and got a serious allergic reaction. His face looked like a tomato. We ended up in A and E. It was not a fun evening.

So that's no bread, no milk, no nuts. Sorry! I'll bring the wine. Good news: wine is gluten-free, lactose-free and nut-free. I'm the perfect guest.

Zoe, give me that packet. I need to read the label first. Prawn crackers? No way. Your auntie is allergic to shellfish, and she's coming for tea tomorrow.

What else is in your hand? Sugar-free sweets. Okay, but look at the small print: "Eating a lot may upset your stomach." Ha! And this biscuit says, "may contain traces of nuts." Put it back, too. No traces, please. We're not taking any risks.

Right, now we need bread. Wholemeal, not white. I know, you hate it. Zoe? Why is there a big bag of prawn crackers in the trolley? You're sneaky. Fine, we'll eat them at home. Don't tell her.

No, thanks, Karen, I'm on a diet. Since Monday. I'm trying to watch my weight before my cousin's wedding in June. I'm cutting out chips and trying to cut back on sugar, too.

I know, I know, it's lemon drizzle cake. And it's homemade. But I'm on a diet. Karen, please stop holding it under my nose in the staff room. It smells amazing. Honestly, I've got a terrible sweet tooth. It's my biggest weakness.

Oh, go on then. A tiny bit. Half a slice, not more. Half a slice doesn't count. Hmm, it's really good. Maybe the other half, too. The diet starts again tomorrow. Actually, it starts on Monday. Next Monday.

Gran, I need protein. I go to the gym four times a week now, and I'm getting big. Look at my arms. Chicken, eggs, a shake. That's all I need.

No, Gran, no carbs. Bread makes you fat. I only eat low-fat yoghurt and chicken. What do you mean, a balanced diet? I'm eating healthy! Okay, yes, I only eat brown things. And yellow, with the eggs.

Fine, I'll sit down. What's for tea? Roast potatoes, carrots, peas, chicken and gravy? That's not a diet, Gran, that's Sunday dinner. Pass the potatoes. Please. And don't tell the lads at the gym.

Murat, you said "not spicy," so I'm ordering you the mild one. Don't worry, mild doesn't mean bland. It's creamy and sweet. You'll love it. Trust me.

Excuse me, can we have two chicken kormas, rice and one naan? Is the portion big? Oh, huge? Then we'll share the rice. Naan is very filling, you know. One is enough for two.

Twenty minutes later, Murat says, "It's the best curry ever. Is it really mild?" Yes. "My mouth is on fire." Murat! That's the mild one. "Then I never want the hot one." Waiter! Another water, please. Actually, make it a jug.

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